Tuesday, May 24, 2011

the deep end of motherhood

Today has been hard.

It all started yesterday when I had a harder than usual day home schooling.  Fortunately those days are few and far between but when it happens it's enough to bring me to my knees.

These are the days where I wish I'd had more patience,  offered more grace,  saw the world through the eyes of a child and spent less time cleaning and more time dancing and laughing.  I begin to doubt my abilities to be a good mother to the children I have and now I begin to wonder how I can possibly be a good mom to the girls we are adopting.

Bringing these girls into our family is not something that I have taken lightly nor is it a transition that I expect will be quick and easy.  I just want to love these girls well.  They have been through so much already in their short lives and experienced so much loss that I just want them to know how special they are...to know what unconditional love feels like.  I think often of each of their mothers and how I want to honor them by being a good mother to their children.  I think of the kind of person I would want to raise my own children if I was no longer here.  Of course, I would want the most loving, compassionate, patient, joyous, kind, and gentle person I knew.  First of all, it sounds like I wouldn't even choose myself to be their mom (gasp!) and second of all, all these traits sound an awful lot like the fruits of the spirit.

So there's my answer...more of Him and less of me.

I know this.  I know I am not alone in this journey and that I never have been.  The problem is that I know me.  I know that there are days when I make a choice to do this myself instead of leaning into Him who has guided me every step of the way.  Those days when I forget who I am and what I was created for are the days when I fail miserably. 

I have had some amazing women on this same journey offer me beautiful words of encouragement today and it has been such a gift.  It just shows me even more of God's goodness and grace.

As Thom said today, I just need to hold my breath and dive into the deep end of motherhood! 

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory..." -Ephesians 3:20 

big sigh of relief...everything is going to be ok.

                                                      Our sweet P and G

btw.....P is doing much better from her burn.  I think it just looks worse than it is but she doesn't seem to be too bothered by it, thankfully!



  1. sweet sister, beautiful. just beautiful. sending you all the hugs to finish you through this school year and launching you into the next. love you. ~h.

  2. love you Cindy! You will be an amazing Mom to these two beautiful children...just as you have been to Ava, Gabi, and Alex. You CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!! Don't beat yourself up when you get caught up in our human condition...the tendency to think we can do it on our own. For us believers, that is usually a short-lived state of being before God calls us right back. We have ears to hear the call and we are obedient. Remember that he created us and loves us as we are. I admire you, and the gift that you and Thom are giving these two girls. You are giving life to the scripture, Jeremiah 29:11, for them. Your family is "...the hope and future." promised to us all by our loving God!! Love you!!